Ovechkin Courtship.

Some people are just blind to the suckiness of their team. Check out this guy's Montreal blog. Ovechkin to Les Canadiens? NON! If anything he'll want to join the league's most valuable (Where it counts...the balance sheet) team, the TO Maple Leafs. So I'm gonna suggest that Montreal stockpile young talent and plan for the future and let the oversized contracts to us. The only problem I forsee is that Ovechkin would actually be worth a $100 million contact, so it'd end up being a smart move. And that's not our style.

He's out!

Well wouldn't you know it. As soon as McGiveaway starts playing awesome he breaks his hand, not once...not twice...but thrice! Broken in 3 spots. Awesome. Carbonneau's goon squad at it again.

Well some punk emailed this around the office today;

What does Toronto have that Montreal doesn't?
.....Black and white photographs of their last Stanley Cup.

Where do Toronto players get their wives?
.....Canadian Tire, where else do you get a leaf blower.

What do the Leafs and The Titanic have in common?
.....They both look good until they hit the ice.

Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea?
.....Because the Canadiens have all the cups.

What's the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machine?
.....The cigarette machine has PLAYER'S.

That SOB, I wonder who it was. Probably that intern wearing the sens jersey. Or maybe that guy from the mail room who wears the habs hat. Man, we really gotta work on our hiring procedure. Just ask JFJ.

Activating My Middle Finger.

OK, so the media put out the rumour the other week that Garry Galley is going to be in line for the Leafs GM. Fuck that. Trying to listen to the jackass do the play by play and I'm pretty sure he interviews the sens in the shower after the game. If he says 'Activating the D' to describe a defenseman playing the puck one more time...

Prego drinking beer.

So I'm watching my once and future champs play the preds tonight on TV, and they keep showing this Molson beer ad about tradition and pranks and I'm like...WTF is a pregnant women doing drinking beer! You know the one I'm talking about, she's in the red dress, nice rack...and a little too much belly...
Oh well, hope I just didn't insult a fat chick by calling her prego.

Rare pic.

Well, I almost did it. Almost got a pic of the Baumer. Unfortunately it didn't turn out. But luckiliy I had an artist created a drawing based on what I saw.

This soon?

Wow, the sens choking already? Usually this doesn't happen until springtime. Hmm, must mean it's going to be a mild winter.

Ruxpin interview.

So today I interviewed ol' Teddy for the soon-to-be-available leafs GM position. That guy is an idiot. All he did was read me some story from a tape. Incompetent. Wait a minute, if I hire a top flight exec he might take MY job. OK Teddy, you're on the call-back list.

Ruxpin meeting today.

Hey kids, just an FYI that Teddy is showing up this afternoon for an interview about the "potential" GM position. Fergalicious is out west so he'll never know. I'll let you kids know how it goes. Lates.

The Baumer.

Everyone is making me out to be the bad guy just because I figured out how to keep my position of power with the leafers. So ya, I threw Fergalicious under the bus. Big deal, it happens all the time. Let’s just say I gave him enough rope. Anyways, now that he’s on the way out we have to find a new GM, which is what Tenenbaum and me were talking about last night over drinks. We were brainstorming and I’m like ‘Budday, why not just hire me! I know everyone’s name in the office and I love hockey.” Well the Baumber nearly dropped his cognac. We never came to a decision but heard him mumble something about wondering if MacLean is really available. Next project: Get Baumber kicked off the board.

Fergalicious

Dregs makes a fairly obvious point. You know why all the other GMs want Fergalicious to stay? So they can keep fleecing him in trades! Wait, saying that was a mistake. And admitting that it was a mistake was a mistake. No more mistakes from this guy. Starting...now.

My Wife.

Well at least my wife still has a sense of humour. She sent me this in an email today. God bless her soul-crushing heart.

Leafs GM search list.

OK, I know you’ve heard all the rumours going around about who will be the next Leaf GM assuming JFJ doesn’t get canned ;) . Anyways here is the ‘official potential Leaf GM search list’ in no particular order:

-Scotty Bowman
-John Muckler
-Glen Healey
-Pierre McGuire
-Colin Campbell
-Steve Yzerman
-Ron Francis
-Mark Messier
-Stephen Colbert
-Jim Rutherford
-Bobby Clarke
-Me
-Teddy Ruxpin
-Entire roster of the ’72 summit series
-Jay Onrait and Dan O’toole (as co-GMs)
-Guy who looks like Don Cherry who sits behind the leafs bench at the ACC
-Don Cherry
-Me, again
-Pat Quinn (over my dead body)
-Doug Gilmour
-Cliff Fletcher
-Brian Burke
-Conn Smyth (We’re working on bring back the dead – might rejuvenate the franchise).

Zamboner

Just an FYI, that was not me driving the Zamboni on Tuesday for the shootout. And no, the driver wasn't drunk.

You're welcome...again.

So apparently it's a no go to sign Tavares to the Marlies according to some AHL 'rule'. That little dream lasted all of 5 mins. Gimme a break, every other team just got pissed at my genius in circumventing the rules. Bastards, don't bring me down. But you can't stop me and this ego. We're buying a Russian Super League team! That's right bitches, the Moscow Maple Leafz, will sign Tavares and give a big Fuck You to the NHL. Then my Moscow team will refuse to deal with any NHL team except the Leafs. Damn, I really am a genius. Please, no flowers.

Sometimes I amaze even myself.

Alright Leafs Nation, you can thank god (me) for letting me (me) run the Leafs. Yes, yes, it was my idea to sign Tavares to the Marlies in order to get him into a Leafs jersey one way or another. And no, actually making smart draft picks wasn't going to make that happen (you'd have to actually keep the picks for one). Anyways, you can just mail your thank you letters to the ACC. Please, no flowers. See you at the Stanley Cup parade.

Not Me!

Finally, the media cuts me some slack and blames the Leafs' struggles on other people. See this article. For years people have tried to give me a hard time, well finally the truth comes out. It's everyone's fault BUT mine. Suckers.

God I hope this is like looking into the future. C'mon Wong you crazy Sonofabitch, say yes!

Blackberry Boy in my town? Get real.

So Jim Balsillie is trying to kiss and make up with the boot wearing citizens of Nashville with the hopes of actually being able to close a deal for an NHL team (He's 0-2 so far). Better not try to move any team onto my turf. We even had a nice text chat about him attempting to move any team near the GTA. Pretty much I texted him the following: FU, WHATEVER TEAM YOU BUY WILL SUCK. I ALSO HAVE NICER HAIR. For some reason my Blackberry service stopped working later that day.

Emails = Evidence.

So I remember talking to my buddy Bill Daly over at the league office a few years back, and we were having a few pints. Emails come up and I told him; "Billy boy, don't send anything to me over email. Ever. Official memo's thats all. No more porno or anything else, because it all ends up on some nerd's computer in the server room." Well he didn't listen to me and was pulling some funny stuff with Ted I guess, over the years regarding union stuff. Well you're in trouble now Billy Boy, that nerd was looking for porn and found your emails to Ted. As usual, you should have listened to me as I was right.

They got the memo.

Hey kids. See what I mean? I forget to give the team the memo about the smaller puck and we get smacked around by the Canes. I delivered it the very next morning and BOOM! Next game we clusterpuck doobie boy and the spare-part Islanders. I wasn't lying about that. Good thing that crazy nerd running the Islanders still hasn't delivered the memo to his team.
P.S. Congrats Mats. And no, I didn't want Ricci instead of you in the Wendel trade. Fletch is a goddamn liar.

New Puck.

Alright, 7-1. Not the best results I agree, but I'm going to have to take some of the blame. Just not enough blame to get me fired. Well here's the story, Gary sent me the memo on Sunday, but I forgot to pass it on to Toskala. Memo said new pucks, 1/4 smaller actually. So that explains all the goals against. And apparently the Canes passed it on to their D. That's why we didn't score a boat load. Nothing to do with talent.

Baldstove

Watching the game last night on CBC, I couldn't help but notice the 2nd intermission Satellite Baldstove is no more. I already miss being told what my team is doing by 4 bald guys who even with all their hair follicles combined couldn't grow a decent mullet .

Is He Trying To Compete With Me?

The GM of the Raptors (which I really run btw) Colangelo, apparently pays $225 (CDN no less) for his shirts. All I wanna know is who the hell does he think he is? Me, Fake Dick, is the best dressed suit in the office. That’s not even debatable. But to say he backs it up with substance? I mean buddy, 40 years isn’t that long. Just because you’re GM of the Leafs poor ugly cousin doesn’t mean you have to start a style war. Oh well, you asked for. It’s on.

Congrats Mats.

Mats scored his 389th career leafer goal last night, tying Darryl Sittler for the all-time franchise lead. Well we have paid him over $60 mil during his career to do so. Seeing as how we paid Sittler about $1240.32 for the same amount of goals for his career, I'd have to take Sittler on a dollar-cost basis. Now that's called smart managing.

Sorry, we won.

Hey sens fans, sorry about that but we actually won tonight. I'm officially disallowing Heatley's "kicked" goal and crediting one to Steen on that horrible call by that trojan loving ref. So that's 3-2 leafs. Gary buddy, update your records. Thanks.

Holy Mackinaw!

Holy Mackinaw! Based on what this article says, Joe Bowen has been the voice of the leafs longer than my GM and Tyke coach have been alive. Bet he feels old.

Surpise Starter

I know I know. The Tyke coach started Raycroft last night. It was a tough call but hey, he’s playing better than the new guy. Why are you surprised a trade we made failed, we only have a 13 year old kid running the show, though he does have the whole MLSE board for a babysitter. We made the trade not to just get into the playoffs for the gate revenue but to win the Stanley Cup. Notice I said that with a straight face. Another reason we traded half our future and then pay 4 mil a year for a highly touted goalie to sit on the bench, (real oak benches actually, our players don’t ride the pine) was done to appease you fans. So be appeased goddamit.

$45 million dollar sucker

Heatley for 7.5 mil a year? C’mon, we signed McCabe for close to that and he’s nowhere near as valuable. Why do other teams keep trying to make us look bad with these rational, strategic signings? Don’t they realize we are the Toronto Maple leafs, I mean we even have our own TV channel. This has been going on for 40 years and I’m starting to lose my cool (kinda hard when you’re this cool - have you even seen my suits?).